Happy last day of 2023!!! 🥳
It’s difficult to sum up a year–TikTok recaps, Instagram carousels, once I wrote down one thing I was grateful for every day and opened up the jar and read everything on New Year’s Eve.
This time feels different. Not quite as jovial.
There’s a quote I love from Anne of Green Gables that feels apropos: “For we pay a price for everything we get or take in this world; and although ambitions are well worth having, they are not to be cheaply won, but exact their dues of work and self-denial, anxiety and discouragement.”
I took some big shots and was burned at least a couple times. I also got to witness the release of the biggest project of my career to date. It was a hard-won year indeed. I like to believe that means it was worth something; the lessons have been learned, the experiences carry stings and sweetness. What I’m stuck on is, how do you begin to express your gratitude and regret and fondness for and resentment of perhaps the most difficult year of your life?
The answer I’ve been running into lately–that frustrates me continuously–is that I can’t, really. There isn’t anything more for me to do, and therefore no satisfying, fully encompassing way to do it. Some things can’t be fixed anymore. Some people can’t be persuaded anymore. Sometimes, you just have to let it all lie. And it sucks.
And also, there is a freedom in it. It would be lovely to be able to mend all the breaks and tie up every situation with a beautiful bow before tucking it away into the back of a cupboard to be dusted off and gazed upon wistfully down the line.
But it’s also lovely to open your hands and let it go. All this hurt and hope I’ve been holding onto has been weighing me down. I wish I could say that I’ve released it for good, but the reality is I’ve still got a ways to go.
The good news: I’m doing better. We made it to December! And I’m in a place where I can once again trust the universe to give what it gives and take what it takes, and know that it’s all for the best. My faith in myself and the powers that be was shaken for quite a moment there. I am so grateful that in time and with no shortage of soul-searching and reflecting, it is restored–different and stronger than before.
So as we linger in the doorway of this new year, take a moment to unclench those hands. Let them open up and be ready to receive. And if you, like me, after some harrowing events have been waiting to see if you could ever take a true, deep breath again–give it a go. I’m just about there :) Best wishes for 2024!!
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