It’s one thing to know that life is a journey of growth, and it’s another entirely to feel those gears of evolution turning within you. Sometimes, I find that I don’t notice how much I’ve changed–when you’re so close with something or someone day in and day out, it requires a closer look to recognize the subtle shifts that have occurred over time. Yet other times, like this past month or so for me (hence the 3 consecutive weeks of blog posts you’re about to get because I’ve been so wrapped up in life), the ocean of change is all you can see.
Lately the weeks have simply been blurring together as I power through each stretch of weekdays to get to the weekends, which are equally as busy and unequally as long. An eventful day that feels like it was this past Tuesday or Wednesday was actually two or three weeks ago at this point. It’s astounding how quickly this time can whip past you–or through you really–when you’re so in the weeds. I can’t see the forest through the trees (thank you Giuliana for reminding me of this incredibly apt metaphor during our walk down the length of Manhattan last weekend).
This post is named after a widely beloved song about navigating the trials of growing up as an adult. And as per usual, Miss Stevie hits the nail on the head. Her questions are so honest and vulnerable and beautifully crafted into lyrics that carry all the intention and weight of an earnest prayer. Are our childish wishes able to survive in this ruthless world of knowing adulthood? Can we truly battle the continuous tempests of our lives and come out victorious on the other side? Can we get from summer to autumn without catching cold, or giving up? Must we inevitably rely on the experience of age over the starry-eyed promise of youth?
In this moment, I am trying to really examine my strengths and weaknesses, the places where I’ve faltered and those where I’ve been failed. These incidents of life don’t make me good or bad, nor do they paint anyone else in that manner–they’re simply information, and stories for later on. And in theory, they should help me make informed decisions. But in all honesty, I don’t know what to do. I know what I feel I should do. Shoot, I seem to have dreamed up a perfect me in an alternate universe that does everything right, and I think about her all the time! And even so, I can’t imagine that person’s life in detail, nor how they feel on the daily–just the elusive broad strokes of a masterpiece. I believe that I can’t actually fully envision that life for myself because it’s so literally unattainable.
So instead of magically turning into that perfect version of myself that cannot exist, I am trying to connect with the bittersweet little pills of existence. Prime & pertinent example: It is so much easier to give into the bad thoughts than the hopeful ones. It can feel foolish to be optimistic or positive or hopeful. But please please please, try your darndest to challenge yourself and your circumstances and those around you by taking that slightly more strenuous, seemingly less cathartic path. I can’t be sure where it’ll get any of us, but over time, I’d like to think the relief of laying down your arms and knowing you took the higher road, the one that left more room for possibility, would feel vastly better than the alternative. And to try and answer one of the song’s simpler (but of course actually the most complex) questions, I am learning more and more each day that love–at least partially–is choosing that harder, more hopeful route. It is desiring to be seen by another in your best light, even in your worst times, and striving to do the same for them. Love is a choice, and not an easy one. But unless you were born under a lucky star or two, nothing in this life that’s worth having is easily won.
Happy autumn! I hope you have a wonderful spooky season. Watch Practical Magic, dare to believe, eat & drink warm, cozy things for goodness’ sake! And whatever is in store for you, know that you always have the power to choose, even when it doesn’t totally feel like you do. I believe in you ♡
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