Hello from the heart of summer!
Life has been so full of excitement lately–travel, jobs, the impending release of my debut single (!!). While I do my usual rushing around in the heat, I think back on what summer used to be when I was younger. Those months were warm and sparkly and full of possibility. But the past two summers have changed that, and I’ve been feeling it.
It’s strange when your hurt internalizes. There’s a play I’ve had the honor of being in for a few iterations now (another one’s coming up in August!), and there’s a monologue I have where I talk about grief. How the feelings at first were so external and tangible, and now they’re tucked away somewhere inside and hard to reach. And fittingly, that’s where I am now.
Getting your heart broken is no simple thing to get over. Add on top of it disrespect, betrayal, an overall bad taste in the mouth, rinse and repeat a handful of times… it’s tough. And I’m glad to be over the worst of it; missing someone even though they caused you an incredible, unexpected amount of pain, the endless confusion, thinking things between you will get better, hoping you can stay in each other’s lives. That’s all long over, thank goodness. But I’m finding that the most lasting wound is mourning the person I was.
I wouldn’t take away the lessons I’ve learned and where I am today, but I wouldn’t necessarily go through it–any of it–again. And it sucks to feel like the best that I can do is to just keep going, keep waiting, keep giving myself grace. Like Laura Dern’s Marmee in Greta Gerwig’s Little Women, I’m angry nearly every day of my life, and I am not patient by nature. However, I’ve gotten incredibly good at living with it. And I have to trust that I can overcome this grief of my former self, too, or at least incorporate it into my day-to-day, carry it with more ease.
I think I’ll always miss the person who could feel light and free and unburdened in their choices without even thinking about it. But to know that that is my foundation, that I share the same body and heart and mind as that person means I haven’t totally lost that levity. And hopefully, we’ll never lose summer either. We can always try again.
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