Narratives can be a dangerous thing.
The stories we tell others and ourselves about our lives, the ones we tell over and over again, can become true the more we give voice to them. Maybe it starts in small ways–exaggerating some details, glossing over others, etc. And then we speak those little changes aloud to this friend and that, until the story has all but been solidified word for word, moment to moment.
For me, the easiest narrative I can perpetuate is that I’m a good person. (“Good” is so pejorative a word these days anyway.) I almost always make sure I stipulate in any story that I am not a perfect person, but lately I’ve been really digging into just how imperfect I am.
It’s sneaky. I am sneaky. I don’t want to outright be ugly or petty or whatever it may be, so confronting the not-so-palatable bits of myself requires quite a lot of peeling back layers. I have to ask myself “why?” as many times as a toddler in their terrible twos. What’s beneath the fear or anxiety or overwhelm? Where does it stem from? Often it’s fear, and healthy choices are rarely made from a place of fear. So getting really honest with myself about the origin of my thoughts and feelings and instincts is incredibly important, for me and those I might affect with my actions.
And to pat myself on the back (and you if you’re going through this too), I have shown great bravery in the face of these fears. Admitting these ugly origins to myself is one thing, but to share them with others is intensely terrifying. How am I going to be judged and seen once others know? There’s a quote I like that says something like, “Your gut reaction is how you’ve been taught to respond, the thoughts you have/action you take after is what you choose.” So yeah, it’s okay to have a less than ideal first response to a situation. If we can calm ourselves down enough to dig deep and ensure our next move comes from somewhere deeper than the surface, therein lies the gold.
So do your best to not fear looking “bad” or “ugly” or “wrong.” Even the most perfect, kind, lovely people have those feelings and thoughts and reactions. What we do next is what truly matters. And with practice, maybe that second step will get closer and closer to being our first. Or first-and-a-half :)
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